Trigger warning: Fatphobia, Childhood and Cyber Bullying
It's okay if you are not in a space to read this post. You are loved.
I woke up to hundreds of comments shaming my body.
"lose weight"
"go to the gym"
"gross"
"massive"
"lose weight"
"lose weight"
"Whale."
A month later, I was running on the beach, celebrating the beauty of bigness with friends, tattooing and photography.
Here's what happend in between
Why Whale?
I’ve existed online as a fat woman long enough to expect some nastiness, so my wife and I made a day of clearing out the comment filters. We piled on the blankets, handed my phone back and forth, watched movies, and ate snacks. We laughed together about some of the silly or out of pocket comments, but one message caught my attention. “Whale”. I'd been called whale before, most fat kids have, and it reminded me how weight-based bullying is the most common form of bullying among children - making being called "Whale" a common first experience being body shamed and dehumanized.
Weight bias and fatphobia starts intruding our self worth and setting barriers in our way disturbingly early. I really began to notice that the world wasn’t made for big bodies when I jumped straight from children’s clothes to the adult section, realizing all the trending items in the junior’s aisles weren't inclusive in the slightest. (I got my first maternity tank top at 12). Uncomfortable and humiliated, it felt like I was the problem- the enormous outlier in everyone else’s normal. Now, I can recognize it as intentional anti-fatness. And often I’m too busy navigating a world perpetually trying to extinguish fat people's right to exist visibly that there’s just no time to reflect on how long we’ve been fighting for dignity and basic tolerance.
"Whale" reminded me of every expectation, every judgement and brick of shame I'd had stacked on me, and in turn reminded me of the healing I'd done to be able to set all of that down. Creating and enjoying art has been vital to my self love journey, so what better way to acknowledge fat trauma and honor fat healing than with art? I took out a sketch book and started planning the bones of a tattoo and photography experience.
Acknowledge and affirm:
We deserved better then, we deserve better now, and healing these old wounds is difficult and lonely when everyone else in your circle holds anti-fat biases so tightly. What you've accomplished is beautiful and significant.
Why tattooing + photography?
Tattooing carries an intensity and magnitude that is unlike any other medium. Your every move is recorded permanently on someone’s skin, in a body they will inhabit the rest of their life.
Our tattoos are memoirs, visual evidence that we live and we experience. Not all tattoos have meaning, but they all mean that we’ve felt authority and awareness in our bodies, deciding to carry something with us and adding to our permanent gallery.
I wondered about who would connect with this project and choose to carry it with them. Not long after posting, I got a message from Ken. I’d tattooed Ken before and knew they had recently been doing intentional activities to boost their self love. We quickly scheduled out all the details, and before both of us knew it, they were in the studio.
Peeling off the stencil was when the project vision started feeling concrete. The energy was fun, focused, and uplifting. As we neared the end of the session we both knew the next few weeks were going to feel extra long waiting for the final piece of the experience.
After healing the tattoo, we would get to bring art, healing, joy, softness, and strength together in a photo session.
“Whale” Big. Huge. The largest thing one can think of.
Things like this are meant to make us feel ashamed, hide, and apologize for being seeable. My design for “Whale” intentionally negates all these motives: a super fat body upstretched, belly forward, peaceful, smiling, and unapologetic in their bigness. Thick lines and bold waves surround them to remind us that we are not oddities. Abundance is all around us and embracing it builds up love, support, and empowerment.
Vast
Some people feel small when they stand next to the ocean. I feel larger. I love to think of the ocean as a peer, a fellow fatty, and a representation of the wonder and value that bigness can have. I love my self as I love the ocean - with admiration, romance, and magnitude.
I chose Cannon Beach in Tillamook County, Oregon for the location of the photoshoot. I lived on the Oregon coast for a few years and knew that the winter weather was windy, cold, and completely unmerciful. However, I truly believe if you have pure intentions of heart, the ocean will gift you just enough of a window to create something magic. I was optimistically unbothered by the wind advisory and heavy rainclouds that stayed consistent the entire planning phase, and the sea did not disappoint. It rained fully and heavily until we parked our car, then the wind subsided and the clouds allowed a beautiful bit of sunlight for the entire duration of the shoot.
We stayed surprisingly warm (Ken reminded to thank our fat bodies for that) and had a blast running through the waves, embracing a stocky waterfall, and only falling once each, Ken in the sand at the base of the falls, and myself completely in the freezing ocean water.
We paused and reflected on the work we'd done to be where we are at now, here, smiling and comfortable in our skin, not only accepting but connected to our bodies. I asked Ken to close their eyes and hold themselves where they felt they most needed that attention. They held around their upper shoulders, head tucked into crossed arms. What would you hold?
Disrupting the anti-fat status quo of portrait photography
Before tattooing, I did photography on the side and fell in love with 1:1 portraiture. As with all things I do, I put a big emphasis on photographs that celebrated people as they are and actively unlearned things I’d been taught in classes and workshops about minimizing bodies and hiding visible fatness.
We are all familiar with Photoshop and the clear anti-fatness that it spreads through celebrity/influencer media and social platforms, but body retouching has its hands in portraiture just as seriously. Being in front of a camera as a fat person can be stressful, shaming, and woven with anxiety already, and having someone else decide what should be hidden on your body is demeaning.
My photography style is rooted in moments, movement, and joy. We focus on having fun and keeping it comfortable and casual, with enough structure to make sure there's no room for confusion or anxiety. I don’t alter bodies, instead, I choose photos soaked in joy, love, and power to ensure the final result is celebrated and treasured.
Final Thoughts
I am so pleased with the results of this project. Hateful energy is incredibly harmful and triggering to receive, but healing through art is a strong way to take the power out of that negativity.
I am proud to create art that positively contributes to the love, self worth, and advancement of fellow fat people. This experience was a highlight in my career and I will undoubtedly host more experiences like this because fat stories are always worth telling. I hope you enjoy the images I curated for this gallery. I could say so much more about their significance in taking up space, growth, peace, and healing but I really do want to leave each one up to interpretation. I suggest cozying up and viewing each one individually, (you can click them to enlarge!) and have some tissues on hand if fat joy tends to get your tears flowing!
If you have a moment to stop by one of my social platforms and tell me which photo resonated most with you, I'd love to hear it and the engagement really helps me continue to be able to create and share my art!
The full gallery:
Want to be a part of the next project?
I will be doing more Tattoo + Photo sessions with varying themes and locations. To keep up to date & get in on the next one, follow me on Instagram and Tik Tok!
About Toni PNW
Toni is a tattoo artist in Vancouver, Washington, USA. Her work is based in self love and aims to further the representation of fat bodies in art. Fat people deserve to see themselves in art, fashion, beauty, and positive media and Toni is honored to be a part of that representation.
